Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Ultimate Wingman

I find it a little hilarious that within only a few weeks of moving into a new apartment, my roommate has found a girl.  Bear with me.  It's funny.

Now I don't know how completely serious it will turn out, but judging from my previous roommate history, it is--like--totally serious.  I know this because I'm a little OCD, and I recognize patterns all over the place.  It's actually kind of annoying most of the time, but occasionally this dumb superpower predicts the future.

Withing weeks after moving into an apartment with my brother, he suddenly just dropped off the map.  I'd be like "hey bro, wanna go do crazy man stuff?,"  and he'd be, like "what? And miss the new Miss Congeniality movie?  Are you gay?"  And just like that, I'm my own wingman (and maybe a little confused as to why rated R is suddenly the devil.)

Then my buddy Jon moves in, and it's all Halo until 3 in the morning, and working out, and binge MDew drinking on weekends, and Nick has been replaced.  But it's all good because my brother found someone else to spend time with, so we're cool.  But then suddenly Jon is disappearing.  I'm like, "Jon!  Halo!"  And he's like "Dude!  You're gay!  (Actually he'd never say that.)  I've got to work and pay off my parking tickets and be an upstanding citizen," or some other such nonsense.  And I'm like WTF?  Where the fun at?

So suddenly I'm by myself, talking to myself.  I'm cool with that, because I like it sometimes, but it seems crazy that within only a year my two closest bros were so enraptured with girlfriends that their lives were literally and figuratively changed.  Nevermind that Nick was a directionless maverick before I got there.  Or that Jon hadn't been in a truly serious relationship for five years, and was the embodiment of a bachelor before moving in.   Coincidence?  Maybe.  Pattern?  Almost.

Now I wouldn't have even recognized this as anything but a random series of unfortunate events had it not been for what is happening currently.  Aaron, my roommate and long time friend and neighbor, is now spending quality time with a special someone.  Not me.  I'm sure he'd appreciate that I clarified that.  No, a few months after I move in and he's at first base.  I'm pretty sure that area of his life had seen little traffic in the last couple years until I got there, by the way.  What can I say?  I'm a chick magnet.   So're welcome.

So what does this all mean for me?  I'm not sure, but think of the possibilities it could mean for you!  Are you a guy, looking at a girl you're sure will be "the one?"  Or maybe you just haven't been that lucky recently?  Come talk to me.  We'll fix that.  I have some sort of dark gift.  I bet it even works for both sexes.  If true though, I don't know if I could take the irony.


  1. You could be the male version of 27 Dresses.

  2. It took him a few months to get to first base? Is he gay?