Monday, May 30, 2011

Z-Poc Homework

My friend from SHS, where I work, gave me their geography end-of-the-year assignment, and I was ecstatic to find out that it was all about the Zombie Apocalypse.  I was a little skeptical though and thought, "Seriously? It's nice that you're trying to help those high school kids out, but I'm pretty sure the Justin Beiber/Just Dance 2 generation wouldn't know an apocalypse if it came up and bit'em in the face (which it totally would.)"  So I, long time veteran end-of-the-world-scenario purveyor and aficionado, decided to take a crack at the skull of this zombie quiz.  Unfortunately, a lot of my knowledge is stuff you just can't teach.

1. What kind of diffusion would the zombie apocalypse be?
Uh…I’m gonna guess apocalyptic diffusion.  Seriously, what kind of a question is that?

2.  Name five cities that would be affected, in the order they would be affected. (I think it's important to note here that the outbreak originated around Temple,Texas.  I don't have the map to share with you.)
San Antonio first, definitely.  If they’re not the fattest city in the world they’re close, and if there’s one thing zombie movies have taught us, it’s that fat people are the first to go.  So remember the Alamo, ‘cause it’ll be zombie central.  Houston will probably suffer the same portly fate.
The next three cities are up in the air.  Mainly because by the time zombies get to Waco, Texas will be ready.  I’m pretty sure everyone owns a gun in Waco, and judging by their past cult history, they don’t give up without a fight.  Diffusion will be running away from the barrels of 126,217 guns.  New York will be piled with the cries of the undead long before Dallas is.

As this video demonstrates, Waco has a strict anti-pussy policy.

3.  How would the outbreak of a zombie virus affect migration and travel patterns in the state?  Where would people go, and why?
Well I can tell you where I wouldn’t go.  Wal-mart.  Everybody thinks they’ll just stroll on into Wal-mart like it will be a Jersey Shore reunion or something, when in reality it will probably be a lot like Black Friday…but with zombies.  Welcome to Wal-mart, home of the braiiiins…oh, and low prices. (On brains.)
All I’m saying is that you better own some guns.  And if you don’t, know someone who does so you can trip them into the zombie horde chasing you and steal their piece.

4.  In an economic sense, what would the widespread effects be?  Would any industries remain open?  If so, which ones?  What goods would become available, and what goods would become worthless.
In the event of Z-Poc (zombie-apocalypse, currently working on trademark rights to that term,) your cash will be about as useful as honey in a bear nest (they have nests, right?), that is to say, it will attract all the people without it.  You want to survive zombies?  Trade in bullets and scalps (preferably the ones you took off people trying to take your bullets.)

"What was he trying to say about a cure?  I couldn't hear through all the screaming."

5.  Would urban or rural locations make the best place to survive?  Justify your thinking about population density, services available in an urban hierarchy, transportation networks, and any other concept we have studied.
How about I ask you a question faceless questioner?  How many people does it take to survive in any kind of apocalypse?  If you answered “more than one,” congratulations, you’re a zombie and I have to shoot you.  If you think you’re going to run errands around the city using the subway and other forms of public transportation, then go ahead and choose urban.  I’ll be laughing at your naiveté from the remains of Camp David in my up-armored HMMVW.  In fact, the more people that decide to take refuge in downtown Fort Worth, the less ammo I have to waste on my drive to the most isolated position I can think of.  And no, you can’t come.  My tank will be too laden with the corpses of city slickers.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Ultimate Wingman

I find it a little hilarious that within only a few weeks of moving into a new apartment, my roommate has found a girl.  Bear with me.  It's funny.

Now I don't know how completely serious it will turn out, but judging from my previous roommate history, it is--like--totally serious.  I know this because I'm a little OCD, and I recognize patterns all over the place.  It's actually kind of annoying most of the time, but occasionally this dumb superpower predicts the future.

Withing weeks after moving into an apartment with my brother, he suddenly just dropped off the map.  I'd be like "hey bro, wanna go do crazy man stuff?,"  and he'd be, like "what? And miss the new Miss Congeniality movie?  Are you gay?"  And just like that, I'm my own wingman (and maybe a little confused as to why rated R is suddenly the devil.)

Then my buddy Jon moves in, and it's all Halo until 3 in the morning, and working out, and binge MDew drinking on weekends, and Nick has been replaced.  But it's all good because my brother found someone else to spend time with, so we're cool.  But then suddenly Jon is disappearing.  I'm like, "Jon!  Halo!"  And he's like "Dude!  You're gay!  (Actually he'd never say that.)  I've got to work and pay off my parking tickets and be an upstanding citizen," or some other such nonsense.  And I'm like WTF?  Where the fun at?

So suddenly I'm by myself, talking to myself.  I'm cool with that, because I like it sometimes, but it seems crazy that within only a year my two closest bros were so enraptured with girlfriends that their lives were literally and figuratively changed.  Nevermind that Nick was a directionless maverick before I got there.  Or that Jon hadn't been in a truly serious relationship for five years, and was the embodiment of a bachelor before moving in.   Coincidence?  Maybe.  Pattern?  Almost.

Now I wouldn't have even recognized this as anything but a random series of unfortunate events had it not been for what is happening currently.  Aaron, my roommate and long time friend and neighbor, is now spending quality time with a special someone.  Not me.  I'm sure he'd appreciate that I clarified that.  No, a few months after I move in and he's at first base.  I'm pretty sure that area of his life had seen little traffic in the last couple years until I got there, by the way.  What can I say?  I'm a chick magnet.   So're welcome.

So what does this all mean for me?  I'm not sure, but think of the possibilities it could mean for you!  Are you a guy, looking at a girl you're sure will be "the one?"  Or maybe you just haven't been that lucky recently?  Come talk to me.  We'll fix that.  I have some sort of dark gift.  I bet it even works for both sexes.  If true though, I don't know if I could take the irony.